'This memoir is achingly beautiful.'~ Nathan Tasker Can a Christian be anxious and still have faith? When nineteen-year-old Nikki lost her older brother, Greg, in a car accident, her stable world of faith and family became unsafe overnight. This was followed by a painful, decades-long journey with clinical anxiety and panic disorder-a journey that involved both seasons of trying to fight and flee from the pain-and, eventually, the beginnings of an expanded, reawakened faith. For the ever-increasing number of people suffering the pain of anxiety, for the weary, for those who fear they have failed themselves, others, and God; for strung-out believers constantly stretching and straining for a piece of peace; this book is a reminder that wherever we stand, Jesus-our older brother, our refuge, and our fellow sufferer-is ever near, beckoning us to come join him on the journey. The raw honesty, combined with eloquence, make this compelling reading. I could not put it down.~ Steve Baird, CEO International Justice Mission, Australia This book is for everyone whose post-2020 life looks like 'a crushed question mark'. In the days of global pandemic and gaping loneliness and loss, Nikki isn't afraid to look hard questions in the eye and offers an answer from the gut of her lifelong and unlikely friendship with anxiety.~ Lisa-Jo Baker, bestselling author of Never Unfriended and co-host of the Out of the Ordinary podcast. Blessedly free of trite theological and pastoral bromides, Nikki invites us to take refuge in the arms of a gracious and compassionate God, one who knows and numbers all our anxious tears. ~ Rev Dr Ian Maddock, senior theology lecturer.